Amanda Made Storm

Something is just off about me today. I can’t seem to find my happy.
Oh and I have so many beautiful things to be happy about.
But I’m in a funk, there is a logical explanation for all of this, too many hormones going, life’s situations etc.
I just can’t seem to laugh today and it’s the oddest feeling, like I know I’m okay I’m going to be okay I’ve been okay, but I’m having a pity party or something. I threw it and I’m the only one invited and I’m sitting here like why did I come to this but I can’t leave because my ride isn’t here yet or something.

I think I’m waiting for a shoe to drop or something. I keep thinking I can’t trust people. This is a horrible feeling, only a few people have broken my trust, but I feel like at any given moment anyone else could just walk out on me or do something horrible. So I try to enjoy people, but I try not to depend on them. I think it is hurting me to do this, but maybe it will be a good thing in the end. Maybe it will keep me safe. I have to be safe. I have glued and patched and duct taped myself back together, I am too precious to allow to break right now. Safe and grounded, working towards a goal to be good, to be wonderful, to be happy.

I’m just raging through a little Amanda made storm right now. Maybe it has to do with turning 30 in a few weeks and not being where I thought I would be. I so badly would love to be a wife and a mom. I want a good husband that when he says forever he means it and will be there thick and thin till we pass away and even then we will love each other and remember each other. I want to be a mommy, I want to get all big and swollen and stay up late and not sleep just to have this little person in my life. I want to clean up puke and poop and broken things. I want to laugh and build tents and read stories. I would love to be able to afford it all. I would find a way if I could just have it. I would work so hard for the things that I love to keep them safe and happy.

I have faith, I believe that I can happen and will, I’m just in a funk, it will be okay.

My Wish for a Cold Day

Give me your arms on a cold day, pull your fingers through my hair till my thoughts fade away.

Eyes closed but not yet asleep, breathe in, breathe deep.

Chests rise, chests fall, not a care in the world, not a care at all.

Ugh my head is too full!!!!

I feel like my whole body is at war well not exactly war, but they are sitting at a round table of some sort. Body parts are like ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! For so many reasons, did you know  your body can scream? well mine can, you can’t hear it unless my mouth lets out the frustration that the rest of me feels, but body is pissed and never satisfied. My heart, poor, poor sweet heart. Oh the thing has it’s arms (yes my heart has arms... I guess) wrapped around its self. It’s a little black and blue if we were honest, it’s so tough, it’s stubborn as all get out, but it looks like it’s seen better days, but still it stands, it still says I’m willing to love, I will heal, I am healing as we speak. ohhhh then there is the mind, dirty horrible wonderful thing that has appointed it’s self jury foreman. Well this stubborn jerk thinks wayyyyyyyy too much. It’s horrible it thinks we are too fat too ugly to be loved maybe too odd, but all at the same time it’s like you are a strong wonderful woman, you are sexy funny and unique. Well make up your mind mind!!!! What are we? Maybe a little bit of both it says, I don’t know. You are chubby, short and not a classic beauty with blonde hair and blue eyes so you aren’t gorgeous but you’re alright, no wait I take it back you have a great smile and your hair isn’t bad all the time and you are pretty symmetrical so maybe you are pretty, but not beautiful. Well crap is anyone going to love me if I’m just pretty? Why are you so obsessed with looks anyways mind? Shouldn’t you be interested in how someone likes you for you? You are funny and smart, you have hobbies and you can listen and be a good friend.  Humph, and what’s with this whole game that people play? You’re working overtime trying to be avaible/distance and playing the well if this happens this will happen and blah blah blah, it’s annoying I wish it could be easy. What is the perfect amount of whatever?????? No idea, let’s throw our hands up and say well f-it! Just run around and have fun. But what if not thinking means you don’t care? Well that’s not it. I’m trying to heal! Damn it! I have up days and down days and I make decisions and I’m a fickle girl anyways, why would I do anything normal? I’m NOT NORMAL..... like everyone else.... lol
Breathe baby girl breathe. It will all turn out okay. Close your eyes calm. The important things are taken care of everything else will fall into place, don’t worry about the rest. Just love, be good, be you. .... why does my hair smell like pickles...  
You know what I don’t understand? Love.
It could be some much more simple than I think of it now. It could be what I thought it was, but am too afraid now to believe. I do not want to be a level 5 cling on. That’s not me, but I am affectionate, I do like saying how I feel, I’m words, I’m lots of words I always have been. Ugh I don’t like playing the timing game either, makes me feel like I’m part of that He’s just not that into you movie. I blame cell phones, you can keep in constant contact then we ask why aren’t we?? Well because we have stuff to do! Or not do or can’t think of something amazing and memorable to say. Besides Coke who wants to know that I’m drinking a Diet Coke really? No one! If I was thirsty I might be interested in someone drinking something, but I’d probably be jealous or go get a drink...  I think while conversations on the phone can be awesome and amazing, I love to be there in person. I love to see faces and eyes and reactions. I think I will forever miss the days of people who wrote actual letters, who had to convey everything in words, in complete sentences on tangible paper that you could fold and tuck away and bring out and relive it all over in someone’s own hand writing, there is something so personal about that. Maybe it’s because I am a romantic at heart. 

I think I’m getting a cold.

lots of love, Bugs!

Can You Dream Again?

I didn’t think this would ever be my problem, Waiting on a heartbreak is not a way to live. I don’t act it out, but my mind is waiting on a heartbreak. I never used to be this way, it’s unfair. My walls are high and my thoughts are dark. I keep them to myself, to keep me safe. I’m fighting with myself.
I am afraid, I don’t know what is normal anymore. I just want to do what my heart says, but I don’t want to break. I want to stay in the Sunshine a little longer, oh if that warmth could last forever, that’s where I would stay. I would smile and laugh and be wrapped up safe. Could all this good be real? I’m skeptical, it’s unfair when I used to trust fully. I was given my heart back, I must protect it, I am it’s keeper, it’s only guard.  But the reality of me is there are things that might mean my happiness might have Bought The Farm.

Don’t let it be true. Don’t run from the sun little heart, it’s scary and could all fall apart, I know, but oh what if it didn’t, what if you could share your light? Can you dream again little heart?

Ello’ there, I am a human and I don’t understand your people things....

This is Amanda, smiling is her favorite.

Trying to know which way to go, sometimes I feel like yes, I have a say, but life just sort of happens to me so I enjoy the ride or something. The Bible says, "The lot is cast into the lap, but he decision is the Lords." I'm never quite sure what to do when things happen, I feel like now I'm constantly looking up or behind like is this okay? Is this good and I'll get a weird sign or a feeling or a calm that I just have to be like okay here I go or don't go.

You know the heart is a funny thing? It’s this physical thing in your chest, it pumps your blood, it has no emotions or thought processes, but yet it feels. When I’m hurt it’s my chest that feel heavy like a rock, not my head or any other part of me. It’s odd. We make vests to protect it from weapons, we guard our hearts above all else, it stops we stop.

A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships were made for. I think it’s the same for hearts. You have to use them. Love man.  Love them all.  Love the special ones that make your heart flutter, love the ones that make it want to burst from laughing so hard, and yes love the ones that hurt it. That’s when you find peace, when you let go and love.

See ya laters Loved Ones and tatters!

Don't Eat the Chili Shelly

I don’t know why some things happen to me. I do wacky things I or I’m accident prone. But last night I pulled my Jeep into the garage and my garage light went out. I thought no problem I’ll just stay close to the Jeep and walk around. Did you know that very close to my Jeep in my garage is a large solid metal poll? Well there is! I found it with my face! I saw stars it was crazy! I wandered into my house and sat on the first step and while I waited for the light show to wrap it up I texted The First about my finding of the pole, ouch.  I then dragged myself up the stairs and decided to flop on the couch then flew up off the couch and landed hard on my bottom :( I had flopped right on an angry boy cat that was sleeping under the blanket.... he was not happy and I got yelled at as I sat there on the floor and cried/laughed at myself. I limped to the freezer and smacked a package of frozen berries on my head. 

Sometimes I think things just happen to you when you aren’t looking, you literally get smacked in the face by things. You have to be heading in the right direction. My mom and I have been talking about listening to God. The other day my mom was telling me that she was going to eat this chili in the fridge.... she doesn’t like anything to go to waste and she heard, “Don’t eat the chili Shelly.” and she just knew it was God because he calls us by name. So she didn’t eat the chili and sure enough it had like mold mixed in or something that you couldn’t really see. Gross I know, but that good little farm girl is very thrifty. I’ve been trying to hear God tell me things, to me it’s always been a feeling in my heart, I thought, recently things have happened that make me wonder at my decisions. I always try and do what is good and try to listen, but I swear I miss the mark sometimes or maybe I don’t maybe I’m right where I need to be and this has all happened for a reason. It may not be clear now, but soon it will be like TA-DA!!!!

Space bugs and hugs!

This is Him

What I want is a man who will be vulnerable yet strong.  A man who can take his lady’s hand and slow dance with her for no reason other than he’d like to hold her body close. A man that even thinks to do something like that, wow. A man that would like to place his hand on where his child is growing and share in the their amazing miracle. A man that will be silly for his babies and his wife. There is a man out there like that. There is a man that knows he can’t do it all himself and while he looks to his family and friends, he looks to God and thanks him for all he has been given and promises to protect and treasure what he has been blessed with. A man of honor and humility. To be totally in love and honest with each other. To grow old and watch the world together. That’s my man. I pray he exists. Maybe there is a man out there that is thinking the same thing of me. An extraordinary woman, that is funny, who has a love that covers all faults. A helper, a friend, a lover. Someone to make a family with. Someone that will help raise his children to be strong and follow their dreams. To love them and kiss away the tears. Build forts, bake cookies and sew costumes. A woman he can share everything with. 

I long for that spark that ignites a burn, a need, a lasting love. 

Getting Mandy Work Done

So I’ve been working on things for me, making me look good, reading books, going for walk/jogs, watching movies and lazying outside. I’ve got a list that I’m working on like a house cleaning to-do list.

1. Rockin’ Bod (I workout 7 days a week for at least an hour) I’ve lost over 30 pounds since December yeah!
2. Long Healthy Hair. I want Mermaid length hair, and when I say that I mean I want hair that covers my boobies like the chick from Blue Lagoon. I think it’s pretty and that’s what I’m going for. I also do a hair mask of Coconut oil at least once a week.
3. Clear Skin. I wash my face every night to get the makeup off, I also sweat a lot and I think that clears out my pores, didn’t mean for that to happen, but eh if it works it works :) I tan too.... okay I know it’s a little bad for you but I don’t do it all the time and it really does make me happy and .... well tan.... 
4. White Teeth! I love having white teeth! I use Crest Strips
5. Nice long healthy nails. Welllll......... I’m starting this one now.... I bite my nails ALL the time, that has got to stop. I want pretty nails.

So everyday I try to work on these things, keep me healthy and feeling good.

I also have a sort of Mental Health list

1. Let go of anger and things I can’t control. Pretty much this is me waking up and thanking God for a good day, singing crazy loud in the shower, getting dressed and playing with the furr babies. Going to work and being awesome and being good to people, having fun when I can and doing things I like when I get bored. 
2. Doing things that are good for me. This is pretty much the above list plus this list, keeping my nose clean lol, but having fun, living life.
3. Take care of friends and family. I think part of this is weeding out who is truly your friends. I believe in being good to people, but I think only letting extraordinary people close to me.
4. Don’t let anyone treat me badly. I am a person who just really loves people and tries to see the best, but that also sets me up to getting hurt many times. Good thing I bounce back pretty well. I’m trying to just be happy and let things roll off of me. People may do things to me, but how I deal with it is what my character says about me.

So besides just being awesome, I’ve been writing a lot lately.... not on here apparently... BUT in notebooks, on Facebook, I like being funny and sharing my thoughts with the world because I think they really need to hear them.... because they are that important.... or something..... lol I’m also in love with Maxi skirts, which I call Sweat Skirts, I have 3 I want 3 dozen. They are like sweatpants except so much more lazy, you don’t have to put each leg in, just both legs and they are so soft, yet they are a skirt therefore totality work appropriate. Win.

So much love and navel fuzz, my toasty bunny friends, 

Me

Loneliness Can Get Out of the Park

God why do we feel so lonely? I know you are with me I see you in the everyday. You laugh with me, you shop with me, we smile, we talk, we sing, we play with the cats and high five. But lonely still sits in.

It’s a creepy little man in the corner of my mind. He sits on the bleachers of life with me just a few seats down. I can see him out of the corner of my eye.  I can hear him saying, “no one really loves you, you are not good enough, you screw everything up, you are just too weird for everyone, you are too needy, you don’t know enough. You’re stuck with me and I don’t like you either.” I ignore him, but he taunts me. God you sit be between me and the creepy Loneliness. You and I enjoy our hot dogs, we cheer when something good happens and we groan at the bad. I hear the Loneliness over the life that is going on around me. You smile, you put your arm around me, you say you are not alone, I am here. I say but God I still feel lonely, my heart hurts, I am lonely. Who will make me laugh? Who will be there when I am scared? When bad things happen who will comfort me? Who will I tell my everyday things? Will you be there? God always is there, I will never leave you or forsake you. And every time I feel Creepy Loneliness look my way I think of you God. You will never leave me or forsake me, you are my my protector, you are my God in whom I trust. You have given me all things good. You have given me my family and my friends. You have given me my imagination and my talents. You care for me and you don’t want us to hurt, you work on hearts and minds and our time is not your time. Thank you for sitting between me and loneliness. Someday I’m going to stick my tongue out at him because this is just for a little while and there will be more of us in my row cheering, laughing and groaning at the things in life. Not so tough now are you loneliness, all you are, are words and thoughts, I’ve never been alone.

Thank you God for always being with me, I know that you haven’t always been proud of what I do, but I know that you think I’m pretty awesome, not because of what I do, but for my heart.
 I love you.

Letter to my God

Thank you God for sending your son to pay the price for us. I will never know the pain went through for me, but it is the greatest love story I have ever known. You loved me so much that you didn’t want to spend eternity without me. I love you, I thank you. I can think of nothing better than running on those streets of gold and a hug, a warmth burning brighter than the sun, a joy, a peace greater than being able to spend forever with you. All have fallen short of the glory of God, we forget that you are a gentleman and you let us live, you hurt with us, you hold us when we are afraid you teach us and you bring us back when we wander off and fall down. I don’t have lifes answers, but you do.  And I put my faith in you. My God Lives! Help me make my life into something pleasing to you. Help me forgive myself and others. Help me see the way I need to go. Guard my lips, my mind and my actions. I want to be a light I want to be loved and cared for by you. I’ve fallen so low by my own ways, I have wandered away and broken down. But you are the good shepherd and you have come after your lost lamb. You pick me up and walk me back,  you calm your little lamb as she kicks and yells. She fights you on the walk back, but hold her tight, she loves you. Help her, she feels safe in your arms. Sing her to sleep, tell her you love her. Your love makes her still, your love heals, your love forgives, your love brings joy. Your love gives life. You are my God, you are my love, I will soak up your light and live in your love. I will be still and let you do your work.

I love you, Amen.

Puppets and Puppeteers, Amanda’s Massage House

Do you know that you can beat box with words. Seriously say Cats and Boots over and over or Puppets and Puppeteers. An evening spent with the beautiful Georgia shopping at Walmart has made us experts in those 2 beat box phrases. We didn’t choose the thug life the thug life chose us. I’m going to invest in a worn cardboard box, lay it flat, drop some beats and we gonna kick it.

EPIC LUNCH UPDATE

There have been many lunches in my life time with Parker and Bobbin George and other members of our gang. I should have been telling the tales from the get go. But this one was pretty funny. Bobbin George teaches a history class and he is regaling us with the war stories about Americans and the Spanish and then we lead into how Americans don’t give up pretty much to a fault. I can NEVER recreate these lectures so I’m not going to even try, but The Bobbin does voices for everything it’s like being told a very informative bedtime story. I find myself clapping like a 3 year old..... or a special seal...... anyway somehow we got on the topic of money and becoming a prostitute and how much money you could make etc. We decided that the best way is to have a legitimate business so you can pay taxes. Then Amanda’s Massage House was born. It would have a Value Menu and Parker would do the voices of the 1-11 specials and you could even up the size for an extra charge. It sort of sounds like the cross between a drive up and a car wash.... at this point. Parker suggests that I actually go learn how to give a massage I insist that I won’t need it and I’ll just print something off of the internet. Dr.Manos School of Rub’em Down or what not. That would seem all fine well till we get customers that actually want a massage and here I am  making up strange new foot and chopping massages. Could be okay right? There’s no way that could go wrong...... lol
But what I’m wondering is does that count as a working lunch since we came up with a business plan?

TaTa Tooties!

Turn it off

So I watch a lot of Vampire Diaries and vampires can turn off their emotions because they feel too much. I think vampires are smart. Besides that whole killing people and drinking blood. Sometimes I think if I could just turn it off I would be better. I could just do what needed to be done. I could workout and not feel like stopping yes my body would hurt, but psychical pain is different than mentally telling what to do or not do. Yes our emotions help us to feel for other people etc, but sometimes I feel like what is the point if the world is getting more selfish, who cares if it's a me, me, me society. Just turn it off just go about your business eat your food, pay your bills, sleep, work, rinse and repeat. Joy, happy, pleasure, funny, safe, don't exist, but being.

Live Long and Prosper

Vulcan Cat says Live Long and Prosper

Zombie Amanda is having a hard time doing that.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! I just really love my new dress lol!

Care for some Iced Tea?

Empty is a strange word. Nothing is ever really empty, everything is filled with something. So why does a word like empty exist? It seems unnecessary to have a word for something that is impossible. Is something empty because it does not contain something we want? Say you have a glass full of ice cold tea and by some means you have no more tea. Maybe you drank it, maybe someone else did or maybe it spilled. However your glass came to be without ice tea some would say it is empty, but no air has taken its place, air is something, it can't quench your thirst, but it is still something. So it is not empty. You could go fill your glass up provided there was more iced tea, but if not and ice tea was all you wanted well you are out of luck and left with air.
So when you feel empty, it actually doesn't mean you feel nothing, you just don't feel what you want and if you can't fill up on what you want, you are left with the equivalent of emotional air. What is that? Sad? Lonely? Want?

Thought for the Day

I stretch, I move, I am alive

I smile, I blink, I think

Life can change in a wink

To not bend and give

To stand and live

To beat, to dance, to have romance

To share, to laugh, a brand new path

I stand, I turn, I learn

Good ole’ family values...

Ahhhh well let’s see here how to start this one....

I - State your Name - Amanda, promise that I am a whack job. There I said it, I do weird things, I think weird things I’m just odd. Today a shark visited my desk, his name is Bruce.... Duna dunna, dunna dunna dunna ahhhhhh! 

Only the cool kids hang with the sharks.

I have such a lovely assortment of coworkers. N8 pictured, is my buddy, I have in the past had the urge to ring his neck as he with me I’m sure.... I get ..... testy.... but for the most part he’s my bud. And he ate Chicken and Waffle Lays for me so that just raised the bar on his cool level for me. (Nastiest Chips EVER!) 

I love my department I work in, but I firmly believe that artists will attack other artists like Japanese fighting fish and that’s why we are he only department that are divided up and we can’t see each other.... right? I love my cube... it’s my hobbit hole, but I digress... I am also an adopted family member of another department. As an adopted member I can choose to slip away whenever I feel, but participate in the fun things .... lol... I’ve also been fired many times and it doesn’t mean a thing! I have never been grounded.... that I know of....  We go out to lunch and have the best times and we have the um cleverest.... emails to each other.........  There’s a whole NOT better/work email joke somewhere....  But here they the standout members of my little adopted work family.

One you may already know is the outstanding Parker, who takes on many roles...

Today an art thief, tomorrow a plumber.... or maybe still an art thief, but you won't know.....

Another is Miss Marvel .... yes I have a super hero for a friend, don’t you??

With those gloves SUPER DISHWASHING POWERS GO!!!!!!!!

And lastly but absolutely not least there is Bobbin George Clooney. But why George Clooney you say?? Well he loves George Clooney and well now he can be apart of him.  What to say about The Bobbin George, well he is the Godfather at work -nuff said there. (No one wants to wake up with a horse head in their bed....)

But he has many other sides like Patty his inner girl child that is my sister and friend when like the same songs and the same movies we laugh uncontrollably. He is a Papa and takes care of his whole family and extended family even if he does call them Shitballs ever so lovingly. And even though he is, yes in love with George Clooney, only one person can truly have his heart that is his wife, The Juju. I have never heard a man talk so much about the person he loves and all the funny things that happen in their family as this man. So in conclusion works LIKE A BOSS, inner teenage girl and outstanding family man.

Just look at that face.... (yes it's the only picture I have...)

There you go I’ve put you in the blog :D

Peace a loo-whoo to you-whoo!