I feel like my whole body is at war well not exactly war, but they are sitting at a round table of some sort. Body parts are like ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! For so many reasons, did you know your body can scream? well mine can, you can’t hear it unless my mouth lets out the frustration that the rest of me feels, but body is pissed and never satisfied. My heart, poor, poor sweet heart. Oh the thing has it’s arms (yes my heart has arms... I guess) wrapped around its self. It’s a little black and blue if we were honest, it’s so tough, it’s stubborn as all get out, but it looks like it’s seen better days, but still it stands, it still says I’m willing to love, I will heal, I am healing as we speak. ohhhh then there is the mind, dirty horrible wonderful thing that has appointed it’s self jury foreman. Well this stubborn jerk thinks wayyyyyyyy too much. It’s horrible it thinks we are too fat too ugly to be loved maybe too odd, but all at the same time it’s like you are a strong wonderful woman, you are sexy funny and unique. Well make up your mind mind!!!! What are we? Maybe a little bit of both it says, I don’t know. You are chubby, short and not a classic beauty with blonde hair and blue eyes so you aren’t gorgeous but you’re alright, no wait I take it back you have a great smile and your hair isn’t bad all the time and you are pretty symmetrical so maybe you are pretty, but not beautiful. Well crap is anyone going to love me if I’m just pretty? Why are you so obsessed with looks anyways mind? Shouldn’t you be interested in how someone likes you for you? You are funny and smart, you have hobbies and you can listen and be a good friend. Humph, and what’s with this whole game that people play? You’re working overtime trying to be avaible/distance and playing the well if this happens this will happen and blah blah blah, it’s annoying I wish it could be easy. What is the perfect amount of whatever?????? No idea, let’s throw our hands up and say well f-it! Just run around and have fun. But what if not thinking means you don’t care? Well that’s not it. I’m trying to heal! Damn it! I have up days and down days and I make decisions and I’m a fickle girl anyways, why would I do anything normal? I’m NOT NORMAL..... like everyone else.... lol
Breathe baby girl breathe. It will all turn out okay. Close your eyes calm. The important things are taken care of everything else will fall into place, don’t worry about the rest. Just love, be good, be you. .... why does my hair smell like pickles...
You know what I don’t understand? Love.
It could be some much more simple than I think of it now. It could be what I thought it was, but am too afraid now to believe. I do not want to be a level 5 cling on. That’s not me, but I am affectionate, I do like saying how I feel, I’m words, I’m lots of words I always have been. Ugh I don’t like playing the timing game either, makes me feel like I’m part of that He’s just not that into you movie. I blame cell phones, you can keep in constant contact then we ask why aren’t we?? Well because we have stuff to do! Or not do or can’t think of something amazing and memorable to say. Besides Coke who wants to know that I’m drinking a Diet Coke really? No one! If I was thirsty I might be interested in someone drinking something, but I’d probably be jealous or go get a drink... I think while conversations on the phone can be awesome and amazing, I love to be there in person. I love to see faces and eyes and reactions. I think I will forever miss the days of people who wrote actual letters, who had to convey everything in words, in complete sentences on tangible paper that you could fold and tuck away and bring out and relive it all over in someone’s own hand writing, there is something so personal about that. Maybe it’s because I am a romantic at heart.
I think I’m getting a cold.
lots of love, Bugs!
