Amanda Made Storm

Something is just off about me today. I can’t seem to find my happy.
Oh and I have so many beautiful things to be happy about.
But I’m in a funk, there is a logical explanation for all of this, too many hormones going, life’s situations etc.
I just can’t seem to laugh today and it’s the oddest feeling, like I know I’m okay I’m going to be okay I’ve been okay, but I’m having a pity party or something. I threw it and I’m the only one invited and I’m sitting here like why did I come to this but I can’t leave because my ride isn’t here yet or something.

I think I’m waiting for a shoe to drop or something. I keep thinking I can’t trust people. This is a horrible feeling, only a few people have broken my trust, but I feel like at any given moment anyone else could just walk out on me or do something horrible. So I try to enjoy people, but I try not to depend on them. I think it is hurting me to do this, but maybe it will be a good thing in the end. Maybe it will keep me safe. I have to be safe. I have glued and patched and duct taped myself back together, I am too precious to allow to break right now. Safe and grounded, working towards a goal to be good, to be wonderful, to be happy.

I’m just raging through a little Amanda made storm right now. Maybe it has to do with turning 30 in a few weeks and not being where I thought I would be. I so badly would love to be a wife and a mom. I want a good husband that when he says forever he means it and will be there thick and thin till we pass away and even then we will love each other and remember each other. I want to be a mommy, I want to get all big and swollen and stay up late and not sleep just to have this little person in my life. I want to clean up puke and poop and broken things. I want to laugh and build tents and read stories. I would love to be able to afford it all. I would find a way if I could just have it. I would work so hard for the things that I love to keep them safe and happy.

I have faith, I believe that I can happen and will, I’m just in a funk, it will be okay.